The Beards of Britain- London’s Top Facial Hair

Like it or not, Britain and London have a long association with facial hair. The handlebar moustache is deemed the epitome of Englishness (besides the teacups modified to keep it dry). In recent years the phenomenal beard trend has been intensely focused within the city, with the Hipster fisherman beard becoming a controversial staple. Add to this the rich varieties of cultural influences within London and it is no surprise that the metropolitan outlook reflects in facial hair. What does the post-Brexit beard resemble?

1. The Moustache

The moustache has already enjoyed a rich history in Britain from Charles I to Lord Kitchener to Freddie Mercury. There has been a strong rise recently perhaps due to the on going success of the Movember campaign.

Nigel Farage’s unfortunate foray into this world demonstrates what not to do. However, every man on the planet bored at work seems to be starting a beard oil and moustache wax side hustle these days.

This means the look of the school P.E. teacher can be tamed to something more regal. Thinner, more refined styles seem to reclaim the image from WWI generals. However, Ross Noble’s attempt to reclaim the Charlie Chaplin might best be left to his own fortune.

2. The Hipster Beard

This is something of a pastiche now, with novelty shops across the country offering prosthetic alternatives. However, the original still seems to thrive. Coated in male-orientated beard oil (it’s feckin almond/jojoba oil available in all health shops at a fraction of the price) and stray falafel, this is a beard fuelled by quinoa and super-manliness.

While still really manly, the Hipster requires regular visits to recognised East End barbers as somewhat of a manly tribal ritual. This is a meditative non-ego-stroking process of having a bearded and tattooed man cut and shave another bearded and tattooed man.

There are only so many words you can tattoo on your knuckles, so this is not a style to stand out

3. Unshaven

It’s little surprise. Brexit-Britain or United Kingdom, we are still a country of lazy arses. By which I mean we have ‘sensitive skin’. Either way, arguably the most popular style of facial hair in Britain today is mere bristles from a few slow mornings of falling out of bed and out the door. Shaving used to be a luxury.

Hot towels and cut-throat razors made a meditative ritual. Now it tends to be more a case of dragging however many blades in a cheap yet expensive plastic surround across a cactus. This could be solved by a trip to Jermyn Street and investing in a single-blade traditional safety razor and badger brush, but meh.

4. Designer Stubble

As above, except you actually want your choice of partner to touch you. Firstly, because this is longer and more maintained (and yes, probably oiled) and therefore softer. Secondly, you look like- or rather think you look like- Brad Pitt, David Beckham and other Hollywood sex symbols. In reality, it’s all the effort of a Hipster beard with more.

You still have to shave daily around the edges. You have to trim it down to avoid an actual beard. Also, you probably do need to treat it to prevent stubble rash (if you don’t know what it is, Google it.)

5. The Non-Hipster Beard

Now let’s not get bogged down slating the Hipster. The beard has enjoyed a remarkable history and deserves more credit than being outlawed just for one of its patrons.

Today, metal heads and eccentrics seem to form the bulk of the long, shaggy ZZ-Top styles while shorter trimmed versions are seen across most professional industries.

Pognophobia (the prejudice against beards) remains in plenty of institutions, mainly those involving presenting to a public. Perhaps this is a gender-leveller given women have had such controls over their appearance in professional life.

6. Mutton Chops

You read that right. If we are indeed plummeting headlong into a new era of nationalism, surely the mutton chops are due for a revival. We never saw the handlebar moustache coming back so who knows?

Lemmy of Motorhead was a clear champion. If Europe does indeed dissolve into a patchwork of far-right states, will we see a return to Pickelhaube’s atop elaborate pognotropic works? Meanwhile Britannia dons a pith helmet to venture into an independent Scotland?

 

 

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