The Beards of Britain: London’s Top Facial Hair

Like it or not, Britain and London have a long association with facial hair. The handlebar moustache is seen as the epitome of Englishness (except for the the teacups that were modified to keep it dry). In recent years the beard trend has been intensely focused within the city, with the hipster fisherman beard becoming a controversial staple. Throw in the rich varieties of cultural influences within London and it is no surprise that the metropolitan outlook is reflected in facial hair. What does the post-Brexit beard look like?

1. The Moustache

The ‘tache has enjoyed a rich history in Britain from Charles I to Lord Kitchener through to Freddie Mercury. It has had a strong surge recently perhaps due to the on-going success of the Movember charity campaign.

Nigel Farage’s unfortunate foray into this world neatly demonstrates what not to do. Every man on the planet who is bored at work seems to be starting a side hustle of beard oil and moustache wax these days.

That means the look of the school P.E. teacher can be tamed and turned into something more regal. Thinner, more refined styles have been reclaimed from WWI generals although Ross Noble’s attempt to revive the Charlie Chaplin might best be left to his own fortune.

2. The Hipster Beard

This is something of a pastiche now, with novelty shops across the country offering prosthetic alternatives. But the original still seems to thrive. Coated in male-orientated beard oil (for God’s sake it’s just almond/ jojoba oil which is available in health shops at a fraction of the price) and stray falafel, this is a beard fuelled by quinoa and super-manliness.

While still really manly, the Hipster requires regular visits to recognised East End barbers, which has become something of a manly tribal ritual. This is a meditative process of having one bearded and tattooed man cut and shave another bearded and tattooed man.

There are only so many words you can tattoo on your knuckles, so this is not a style to stand out.

3. Unshaven

It’s little surprise. Brexit-Britain or the United Kingdom, we are still a country of lazy arses. By which I mean we have “sensitive skin”. Either way, arguably the most popular style of facial hair in Britain today is the mere bristles that come from a few slow mornings of falling out of bed and strolling out the door. Shaving used to be a luxury, as hot towels and cut-throat razors made a meditative ritual.

Now it tends to be more a case of dragging a selection of blades in an overpriced plastic surround across a cactus. This could be solved by a trip to Jermyn Street and investing in a traditional single-blade safety razor and badger brush, but meh.

4. Designer Stubble

As above, except you actually want your partner to touch you. Firstly, because this is longer and more maintained (and yes, probably oiled) and therefore softer. Secondly, you look like – at least in your own mind – Brad Pitt, David Beckham or some other Hollywood sex symbol. In reality, it takes all the effort of a Hipster beard and more.

You still have to shave daily around the edges. You have to trim it down to avoid an actual beard. And you probably do need to treat it to prevent stubble rash (if you don’t know what that is, Google it.)

5. The Non-Hipster Beard

Now let’s not get bogged down slating the Hipster. The beard has enjoyed a remarkable history and deserves more credit than being outlawed just for the atrocities committed by one tribe of its adherents.

Today, metal heads and eccentrics seem to form the bulk of the long, shaggy ZZ-Top styles while shorter trimmed versions are seen across most professional industries.

Pognophobia, the prejudice against beards, remains strong in plenty of institutions, mainly those that involve showing your face to the public. Perhaps this should be welcomed as a gender leveller given that women have always had such controls over their appearance in professional life.

6. Mutton Chops

You read that right. If we are indeed plummeting headlong into a new era of nationalism, surely the mutton chops are due for a revival. We never predicted the return of the handlebar moustache so who knows?

Lemmy of Motorhead was a clear champion. If Europe does indeed dissolve into a patchwork of far-Right states, will we see a return to Pickelhaubes atop elaborate pognotropic works, while a bristling Britannia dons a pith helmet to venture into an independent Scotland?

 

 

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