Five Reasons Men Secretly Hate Tom Hiddleston

Somewhere in the primeval alpha-male spirit lies a desire to be the best. If you can`t, portray an image of such. We are used to screen icons we can somewhat relate to. Look at Sean Connery or Harrison Ford. We have adapted these male-icons into our own self-perception. We are inspired by the way they dress, dine and drink. This is a healthy process by which we kid ourselves that we might be remotely charismatic, handsome and desirable. Our wives and girlfriends realise the importance of falling for this futile act, but secretly find it rather cute.

However, at some point someone so annoyingly good will come along and jam up the works. Someone so young, so dreamlike and so just like how we want to see ourselves and yet so totally unmatchable. One of these is Tom Hiddleston.

He Looks Pretty Good

Sure, Johnny Depp fulfils all these traits of envy, but he`s getting on a bit and looks like a hippy. Hiddleston is young yet mature. This throws us off balance. We can’t give him the Justin Bieber/Harry Styles approach of mimicking maternal behaviour to brush off the fact they were sex symbols while we were having to borrow PE kit having forgotten our own. We also can’t see him as a fatherly figure we may one day live up to- like Michael Caine. He’s like a better looking, more successful brother. And we hate him for it.

He dresses in immaculate suits. He is so much the refined, genteel gentleman anyone who wears trousers wishes to be.

He’s Clever as F…!

Tom Hiddleston has a double First in Classics from Cambridge. This is made more annoying by the fact most of us heard this while he was ‘Star in a Reasonably Priced Car’ on Top Gear. In other words, he may have had a rather privileged educational background but that didn’t stop him achieving a lad dream. It was here at Pembroke College that his acting ability was recognised before he went on to RADA. He only graduated in 2005. He`s 36. What have you done lately?

He Sounds Good

We’re used to celebrities being pretty down to earth with how they speak. Not Tom. He has the beautifully clipped vowels and crystal-cut accent of the silver screen. Did you see his imitation of Peter O’Toole in Prometheus? It is refined and sophisticated, but not too poncy. It says ‘yes I am posh, but your girlfriend is loving it. But don’t try and emulate me as you’ll sound like John Cleese returning a dead parrot.’

He is impossibly just so damn likeable. You want to slate the fact that he was born with a silver spoon rammed down his throat, with caviar and dom perignon and a chandelier for good measure. But you can’t- he is just so damn, bloody lovely.

He Dated Taylor Swift

I mean come on.

Women Fancy Him and so do we

In these liberal days as we finally edge towards London Beyond Gender, we find we don’t just want to be him. Tom Hiddleston is prime man-crush material. Some strange homoerotic workings of the most Rambo-like mind are reduced to the temperament of a ditsy princess for the aforementioned reasons. Aah, Tom Hiddleston…  he’s so cool…

This is likely the reason that, as couples across the country watch any interview with him, blokes will likely mumble ‘Never-erd’ovim’ or some minor critique before looking up the football results, or bike parts, or sports cars.

 

Stewart Vickers Instagram/Twitter: @vickhellfire

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