Laughter: Political Porn Fan Fiction

If Jeremy Corbyn found a Mumsnet discussion about his sexiness embarrassing, he has no idea what’s happening to him elsewhere on the internet. The Mumsnet comments may have surprised most people but Fanfictioners have seen Corbyn and others as sex symbols for years – they’ve put pornography into politics, and eroticism into elections with results that will make your day.

Fan Fiction Facts

Fan fiction is original stories based on existing characters. Usually they’re from TV, books or film and they are often based on “what if” scenarios. What would it be like if Sherlock Holmes was female? What if Malfoy secretly loved Harry Potter? Who’d be “The One” if Neo had taken the blue pill?

And fan fiction isn’t just hidden online. Fifty Shades of Grey began as Twilight fan fiction and PD James wrote Death Comes to Pemberley based on Pride and Prejudice. Be warned though – many stories (like Fifty Shades) quickly descend into erotica and can ruin an entire series for you.

Some fan fiction writers like to populate their stories with real people like politicians. Apparently there’s a lot of support for a Jeremy Corbyn/ Theresa May romance. Some stories are ridiculously corny while others are downright kinky. Add in some BoJo, Trump and Nicola Sturgeon and you’ll be hooked. We’ve rounded up a few quotes from our favourite fics to help wash away those election blues.

Corbyn and May

In this piece of whimsy, Jeremy Corbyn is distressed that Theresa May has to cosy up to Donald Trump. Turns out Theresa is the one thing he wants to keep privatised…

“Don’t you dare show any mercy to that Donald, you understand?”, Jeremy said in such a seductive voice as he started leaving lovebites between Theresa’s legs, “Oh, what am I to do with you if you show mercy to him?”

“Jeremy, I surely would not show mercy to that man,” Theresa said in a determined tone, “My… getting possessive here, aren’t we?” and a sultry look on her face emerged.

“I could say the same to you, though,” Jeremy replied, “I’m sure you’d also be upset if I went further into the left.” Then Jeremy positioned himself, ready to thrust her at any moment.

“Well then, Mr. Corbyn, show me why I should take your word.” Oh, this was a challenge from Theresa, a challenge he was very willing to take.”

Downing Street sex not your cup of tea? This sweet story of Theresa taking a gloomy Jezza out for a brew is everything you never knew you needed.

“Theresa and Jeremy sat next to the window sipping on their cups of coffee and gazing into each other’s eyes. On such a cold day, all you needed to cheer you up was a warm beverage to raise your temperature and a cheerful friend to lighten the mood. Nothing less. Nothing more.

“Jeremy,” Theresa muttered, “do you think people will notice?”

“Who knows?”

“No, not that,” she mumbled, grasping his hand and staring directly into his wintry blue eyes. “I mean, even you haven’t yet!” There was a faint pause while Theresa took her time to divert her eyes away to the door to mask the fact that she was now heavily blushing. “Gosh, I’ve turned as red as your party!”, she chuckled to herself – but Jeremy didn’t.

“N…n…notice?”

“I love you””

Boris Johnson

You might think Boris needs no helping hand from fiction but we can prove you wrong in four words: Boris the Vampire Slayer. BoJo meets Buffy in this bizarre tale.

“What? What’s all this fate and destiny nonsense?” Boris looked befuddled. 

“In every generation, there is a Chosen One. He will stand against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness. He is… the Slayer,” intoned Stanley. He looked at his watch. He’d hoped to get this over quickly, so he could return to his pink house for lunch, but it was proving to take far longer than he’d anticipated. 

Boris stared at his father, still confused. “Yes, but what does that have to do with me?”

“You, Boris – you are the Slayer.”

“This is utterly absurd,” Boris sputtered.

May and Sturgeon

She might not be willing to share power with May but Sturgeon is willing to share a whole lot more in this fiction…

“For far too long now you have been destroying my party north of the border. For far too long now you and your silly nationalists have been stealing OUR power and creating a kind of political uncertainty that is…” Theresa stopped and sighed. “I’m just jealous”. Nicola glanced up at Theresa, who had now got her arms wrapped around her waist.

“I’m sorry…” Nicola sighed. “I should lea-“

“NO”, Theresa argued, “you should stay”. In that moment of angst and confusion, the two leaders’ lips met. There was silence.

“Make me,” Nicola whispered pleadingly.”

Corbyn and Trump

There aren’t enough warnings for this explicit fanfic – read at your own risk. Despite protesting against Trump, Corbyn finds himself distracted and attracted by the Cheeto in charge. In a heated showdown between the two leaders, it isn’t just gazes that become penetrating.

“Oh, Donald…”, he moaned again, stripped down to nothing but his white vest and a pair of M&S grey socks.

As Trump began to push him over onto the chaise longue, Jeremy pulled himself free, turning to face Trump and kiss him on his big manly lips. “No…”, Jeremy whispered, “I’m in charge here.”

“This is for Muslims and hispanics and women and fired Apprentice candidates,” Jeremy roared…”

 

If that’s got you intrigued there’s much more to explore, from this light-hearted piece about everyone’s favourite unknown, Tim Farron, auditioning for Eurovision to an imagined World Leader WhatsApp group chat where Putin dick pics everyone. If you want a real treat you should check out the pieces on Cameron and Miliband from last election. Who knew politics could be so much fun?

by Jo Davey

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