Tinder: Tips for Avoiding Dating Arseholes

Exploring the London men who are on Tinder is as complex as exploring the Higgs Boson, also known as the “God particle”. The God particle can also be found on Tinder, in the slightly different form of the God complex. From dodgy bio’s to far too explicit images, the world of London’s men on Tinder is pretentious, scary and tragic.

Let’s look first at the bio’s, To be a true London Tinder arsehole the right bio is essential. They think about it carefully and avoid anything respectful as that would be letting the side down. A simple sentence describing oneself should suffice but London men seem to be unable to write a simple bio.

How have we come to a point where men think the first thing they need to advertise is their height? Gone are the days of an intro detailing profession, personality or hobbies, today we get a headless six-pack and “6ft 1” in the bio. We’ve entered an age where the men on Tinder are publishing Excel spreadsheets setting out their Tinder stats. What the best style of picture is, should you aim for serious, should you quell the ego and smile, or do you pose with the “lads”.

How about adding a short sentence about yourself? No, they prefer to keep it simple and just give their height, because surely that’s all women really care about?

The next step to become a true Tinder creep is perfecting the first chat-up line. A simple “Hey!”, perhaps? Of course not. Something horrendously crude, inappropriate and outright dirty is more popular.

Something along the lines of “Roses are red, violets are fine, you be the six and I’ll be the nine” (an actual Tinder chat-up line) secures a place among London’s most tragic Tinder men. Obviously, the most important thing to the quintessential London arsehole is to come across as arrogant, sexist, grotesque and as tragic as possible. Nail all of those and you’ll have women climbing through the ether and eating right out of your hand.

The final thing to remember for the Tinder Arsehole is the picture. One option is to sit with a cocktail in a mega expensive bar (which the average Tinder arsehole definitely can’t afford, so he might ask Dad for £20 beforehand), strike the best arsehole pose and get one of the lads to snap it, whack on a filter and hey presto! Or maybe a topless selfie? Many of Tinder’s finest opt for the foolproof “just out of the shower” look.

Just make sure Mum’s menopause pills can’t be seen on the bathroom shelf as that’s not going to get you the sought-after right swipe. Basically, nail the “banter”, the super un-sexy chat-up lines and the tragic pictures and there will be a place for you on the list of London’s Tinder arseholes! Congratulations and good luck.

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