Politics: Theresa May Lays Down the Law

“Shut up Boris, sit Govey, pipe down David, stop whinging Philip, Amber remember where you are….. all of you stop squabbling!” cries Headmistress Theresa.

“Let’s all take a deep breath, count to 10 and remember we have a country to run.”

The words this morning of Headmistress Theresa to her troublesome class of 2017. All of whom think they can do a better job than she can. The end-of-term classroom took a nasty turn for the worst after a series of damaging leaks targeted keeper of the school purse, Philip Hammond.

Someone, or some two, had been telling tales out of school. And the finger of blame fell on the traditional unruly twosome Boris and Govey, who, it has to be said, do have a history of knifing classmates in the back. “Not us,” they cried in unison. “Has to be someone else.”

The usual suspects

Yes, but there is the history and the fact they both have ambitions for a bigger – and more important – desk at the front of the classroom. And so do many of the class.

There’s David, who thinks he’s clever at negotiating. And Amber, who is doing her best to demonstrate leadership qualities. Then there’s Andrea, solid enough but lacking panache and charisma. And so on…

Problems have been brewing since Headmistress held a popularity contest a few weeks ago, expecting it to be a foregone conclusion. But she was wrong. In fact, she damn near lost it and with it the school. In a speech before the class last week, naïve old Philip is said to have told the rest of the class his thoughts. And, lo and behold, they finished up in two different national newspapers.

Philip supposedly said that public sector workers were “overpaid.” Silly boy, he then is said to have uttered the comment that “even a woman can drive a train.”

The leaks to the newspapers culminated in an unnamed classmate telling one newspaper that Philip was “trying to f***-up Brexit.” And if there is one issue that the class is divided over it is Brexit. Philip has taken umbrage: he thinks classmates are briefing against him because they don’t agree with his views.

Why protect the economy?

After all, didn’t he suggest that the focus in any negotiations must be on “protecting our economy.” Oddly enough, that is not a position all agree with.

Mind you, it’s difficult to see how all the class could agree on anything: they’re such a disagreeable, hot-headed lot. All thinking they know best.

The persistent squabbling is seen as more evidence of Headmistress Theresa’s weakness. She is now telling them all to keep their classroom discussions among themselves. For all of them to just shut up.

That is akin to asking yapping dogs to stop barking. And right now this particular pack smells blood. Look out Headmistress Theresa.

 

by Bob Graham

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