Podcast: My Dad Wrote a Porno

London workers know better than anyone the pain of a boring commute. Trying to keep spirits up is pretty difficult when you don’t have room to swing a tube rat, never mind whip out a novel and get lost in it. Music might not require extra arm room but one wrong song on shuffle and your happy vibes are a distant memory. What Londoners desperately need is something consistently cheerful to help laugh away the long hours of travel. Step up “My Dad Wrote A Porno.”

The World’s Worst Heirloom

My Dad Wrote a Porno gives everything away in the title. Over Christmas dinner one year, Jamie Morton’s dad decided it was time to pass on his secret legacy to his only son. It was a book but not any old book. Jamie’s dad (pen name Rocky Flintstone) had written an erotic novella and wanted to share it with his progeny. One episode in and you’ll be forever thankful that his mortified son then chose to share it with the world.

Jamie invited his two best friends – James Cooper and Radio 1’s Alice Levine – to read the story with him and record their reaction as they hear it for the first time. The result is the most side-splittingly funny and cringeworthy podcast you’ll ever hear. Say goodbye to banal bus journeys and tortuously dull trains and hello to stifling snorts for 40 minutes solid. Your stomach muscles will certainly thank you.

An Intimate Insight Into Rocky

The brilliance of MDWAP is in the writing. Rocky might be the world’s worst erotic author (excepting EL James) but he’s also the funniest. His storyline, syntax and understanding of biology are all beyond belief. His novella follows the life of a saleswoman in the pots and pans industry – yes, you read right – sleeping her way across the world to sell more kitchenware. If that isn’t ridiculous enough, the book’s title is Belinda Blinked.

Astonishingly blinking isn’t big on the pornographic circuit but the more you come to know Rocky, the more you realise he has no clue about porn or sex whatsoever. How Jamie even came into being is called into question almost every week but it’s this utter ineptitude and naivety that makes Belinda Blinked so unbelievably lovable.

Classic lines include “he grabbed her cervix”, “her tits hung freely, like pomegranates” and best of all “her nipples hardened with her feeling and they were now as large as the three-inch rivets which had held the hull of the fateful Titanic together.” As Alice so rightly points out “there’s something so unsexy [about] bringing up a really massive disaster where loads of people died”.

Three Hilarious Hosts

Our hosts have to continually remind themselves and their listeners that poor Jamie’s dad actually wrote this shit. It’s hard to tell who’s more embarrassed, Jamie or his friends. They’ve known “Mr. Morton” for years and now have to face their mate’s dad having ripped apart his weird sexual fantasies. They quickly resort to alcohol to help get them through. Hardly surprising when the first chapter begins with this exchange:

Jamie: “Belinda laid back in the leather chair and spread her legs wide as requested. Her vaginal lids popped open and her lab-“

Alice: “Sorry, ding dong – stop!”

James: “Yeah let’s stop there. I mean I’m no expert on the vagina…”

What makes these moments even better is that gay co-host James is forced to learn about female anatomy on the go from the worst teacher ever. Alice has to step in as the voice of anatomical reason and explain how the female body works.

The friendship and camaraderie between the three is unmistakable and you soon feel like part of the gang sat wincing around the dining table where recording takes place.

Famous Fans and a New Novel

What’s extraordinary about this series is that it made Rocky Flintstone into an international name. None of it is made up, much to Jamie’s dismay. The self-published porn book actually exists and can be bought on Amazon. The podcast’s popularity shot Belinda Blinked to stardom and Rocky became a millionaire on the back of the worst book ever written.

In short, Jamie’s shared shame massively backfired. MDWAP inspired his father to write a sequel. When the three friends finished reading and ravishing Belinda Blinked 2, fans were left desolate, and boy do they have some famous followers. Elijah Wood, Michael Sheen and Daisy Ridley have all been on the podcast to chat about their love of Belinda and her unpredictable, lust-filled workplace.

Celebs queued up to help the trio announce that book three was coming to our defiled ears on May 29, 2017. That gives you a mere month to catch up on this critically acclaimed cringe-fest that will have you creasing up at every curveball Rocky throws. You’ll be looking forward to your commute in no time.

Listen to My Dad Wrote A Porno here or on most phone’s podcast apps. by Jo Davey

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