Drinks That Make You See Through Time- The Pub of The Future

“Do you take contactless?” Of course they fucking do! The answer to your problems don’t lie at the bottom of a glass. However, we’ll still be searching for decades to come. The pub has been a bastion of English life- and especially London life- for hundreds of years. Before this, Viking and Saxon settlers happily sunk their mead in times of celebration and turmoil. What will be the future of this establishment? Given fifteen years ago we didn’t have Facebook and the Blackberry was an incredible computer in a phone, who knows when we can expect some hard-hitting innovations to getting hammered.

Payment

Ladies and willing gents can have their bank chip in their acrylic nails (UAL design student Lucie Davis innovated this with her Oyster card) while the more conservative have a ring or bracelet. You can be really trendy and have a credit-piercing! Of course, this means drinks are self-serve and you tap in for a pint- this is already happening at Henry’s Cafe Bar in Piccardilly! However, there is still one barman to provide emotional support, the second most important product of a pub. Of course he has a Siri-style assistant to provide the bulk of empathy and directions to the gents. They’re probably still cash-only at the Chinese next door.

The Drinks

Beer is immortal. Patrons continue to debate the age old straight glass and mug debate. The self serve technology means drinkers can pay as they go, petrol-style, with something resembling a cross between a hookah and a curly straw. Stem-cell research means organs are easily replaced now, but this has meant increased demand and prices. Alcohol is now the preserve of the rich, creating a market for low cost Moonshine. The government was going to ban this until it found it could tax it.

The Music

Live bands died out years ago thanks to being a direct route to poverty and rock music isn’t sexy anymore. This pub has strict noise level restrictions thanks to luxury apartments built on top so computer-generated sounds are piped in, giving this the air of a Victorian opium den. The sound is soulless and empty. People hover akwardly and sway trying to fit in. Nothing new here then.

Where are you going home to?

Closing time was a law brought in during the First World War so ammunition factory workers would wake up to a clear head. Why has this not been adressed yet? Well it has in the future. Pubs are 24 hours. But you still have to go home at some point. Uber and Amazon have joined forces to create a taxi force of drones. These respond to whatever inebriated transit-related cry you make on exiting, be it ‘to the Batmobile!’ or ‘[where the fuck am I] Which way’s the Shard?’

Guildford and Reading are now part of London (what do you mean “Greenbelt”?) and still easier to get to than Greenwich. But most of your drinking friends live in Birmingham thanks to HS2. But you pushed the boat out and decided to live really central despite the rent prices, so you have a coffin-like room in a great honeycomb high-rise just outside Hammersmith. In a masterpiece of economy architecture, this complex utilises human body heat from the plebeian first ten storeys to provide heating for the unoccupied penthouse. We still haven’t cured the common hangover.

 

All yet-to-exist invention patents derived from this article to be attributed to Stewart Vickers @VickHellfire

 

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