Och Aye! We git er oon feckin TV station neww! What Could be on New BBC Scotland?

Amid renewed calls for Scottish independence after the Brexit result, BBC director general Tony Hall has announced new BBC Scotland will launch in 2018. Modelled on channels like BBC Four, the channel will broadcast from 7pm until midnight with a budget of 30 million (Hew fookin much?). This includes its own hour long news slot and the ability to make programmes for broadcast across the whole network.

But what do we expect will fill those five hours every night?

Sean Connery

Exshpect early Bond from Dr No to Never Shay Never Again- shomething Nicola Shturgeon hash been shaying a lot lately. The Man Who Would be King, The Rock and Indiana Jonesh and the Lasht Crushade will be welcome Friday night boy’sh viewing.

Balamory

This favourite ended in 2005. But it is due for a revival as an authentic work depicting forgotten Scottish island life. This documentary launched the career of the inventor Archie, who changed his name to Miles Jupp and became a comedian. Filmed on Tobermory of the Isle of Mull, the colourful, enthusiastic and melodic inhabitants clearly enjoyed the local produce of the islands distillery. ‘What’s the story in Balamory?” “Dewn’t fuckin noo I was pissed…’

 

 

The Great British Haggis Off

No soggy bottoms here. Is there any field or skill that hasn’t been turned by one channel into this formulaic format? Mary McBerry puts contestants through their paces every Burns Night. The stomach-hungering show will be turned to stomach turning as sheep organs are loaded into a stomach and served as a delicacy. Shortbread for desert.

 

River Monsters does Loch Ness

Jeremy Wade has already covered Loch Ness for this popular Animal Planet series. However, we think he shall have a permanent residency both on BBC Scotland and on the banks of the Loch. Should programming be lacking at anytime a live feed could be an easy time filler. With the increasing digitisation of television this would be an easy transition to Youtube steams and Facebook Live. “Ochite lads, thisee week on Loch Ness Watch…  fuck all. Jin iss nixt week for…  the seem.”

Gary Lineker presents the Highland Games

Remember Gary Lineker presenting Match of the Day in his pants? Or at least fobbing his viewers off with shorts? A kilt is now essential as he presents a four hour commentary, analysis and discussion of a caber toss.

Billy Connolly

We can’t even take the piss with this one. The legendary comedian Billy Connolly has vowed to keep working despite suffering from Parkinson’s Disease. Expect classic monologues like the two scotsman in Rome at a bar: ‘Give us two pints e’Heavy’

‘We don’t serve Heavy’

‘Erm.. what does the Pope drink?’

‘Creme de Menthe’

‘Well give us two pints e that then!’

There shall be no justice if the Big Yin is not the figurehead of BBC Scotland. He also remains a strong sceptic of the Scottish independence, but also does not agree with celebrities telling people how to vote.

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