Everyday, millions fight their way through London’s transport system. Among these are people who make life better for those around them one way or another. These are the legends. A few, however, will be as much of a pain to those around them as possible often without even knowing it. These are the dicks of London transport.
The Manspreader
This dick has no issue profoundly demonstrating his… shortcomings.
Bag-on-seat Dick
This dick of public transport doesn’t exist. You just assume there has to be some lifelike entity that grants a fairly small rucksack the right to a seat on a crowded bus or train. Is this an anarchic form of reservation? So only the more determined will actually ask plainly and take the seat, while the rest of us are too polite, self-conscious, or just socially anxious to do the same at the risk of being a mild inconvenience… to someone who is being quite a big inconvenience and therefore wins the ‘dick’ title.
The Curb Wall of Death
So you’re crossing the road. Some people stop when the lights’ counter gets to about 3 seconds, but you’re a Londoner so you walk straight across. The taxis start to move. Suddenly your mind enters the state of ‘grenade-pulled’ slow motion as you skip to the safety of the pavement. Then you see everyone is in your way. Do they want you to get runover? Or do they expect you to just pass through them like a ghost?
The Tube Wall of Death
As above, except you’re getting off the train and no one paid any attention to the announcement to let you off first.
The Tube Bash and Dash
We all know this dick. Unfortunately, we’ve probably all been them too. You get off the train having fought your way through the Tube Wall of Death and just as you head towards the escalators someone is guaranteed to shoulder barge you as they run in the opposite direction for the closing doors.
The Bus Wall of Death
Last one now, we hope. You need to get off a packed bus but the lower deck is rammed. You ease your way through apologising but stall at all and people getting on will seal you in before the doors close.Hopping out, you feel like you’re jumping out of a plane, the cold air and sudden feeling of open space surrounding you.
The Chauvinistic Alpha-Lad Dick
Expect the unexpected on a night bus. However, this dick is a ritual commonly found boarding bus stops around Hoxton and Shoreditch. He reads magazines that say anyone he buys a jaegerbomb should make him breakfast the next morning. This man is so man with his manly tales of manly seductions the whole bus has to hear how he bedded ten supermodels but was so hammered he somehow couldn’t even remember how it happened. At this point most bullsh*t alarms start ringing. Aside from just how his mate can stand to sit with him, nevermind however many damsels sleep with him, you can’t quite escape the fact that if he really was too drunk to remember, major equipment malfunction would have been the conclusion to this unlikely scenario.
The Tube Barrier Dick
We all have to shuffle in a column to pay TFL for our chicken coop transit. However, the barrier sensor means when barged from behind we are out of the beam and the barrier won’t open. The result is the ‘Evolution of Man’ as angry people stack up and start pushing. Go back or we’re going nowhere.
The ‘I’ve lived in London ten years but still don’t get my Oyster out until the last minute…’ Dick.
Consider the above, but this time you’re the one behind someone who couldn’t slip through the barriers having got it out on the escalator like everyone else.
The Luggage on the Left-side Dick
Sure, theyre standing on the right side. Good person. But their big suitcase spans the remaining gap. Bad person. You have to stop but you don`t want to trouble them (See Bag-on-seat Dick) However, someone stops behind you and so you get the lecture `Beginner`s guide to London Transport.` that you totally haven`t been practising religiously for five years. Dick.
By Stewart Vickers Instagram/Twitter @vickhellfire
The post All Cringe the Dicks of London Transport appeared first on Felix Magazine.
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